I got a text from my brother today and we chatted back and forth before he asked me if I had plans on my days off. I haven’t see him since I arrived because he has a tendency of dropping off the face of the planet, so we made plans for breakfast tomorrow morning.
He’s so funny. He’s one of those that can instantly make me laugh no matter the situation.
I’m spending the day with my Scandalous. We are both off of work today so she’s online and we’re going to do some writing in a new story we’re starting. That and we’re going to talk about our boundaries and how we’re going to make our relationship work now that we’re REALLY long distance.
Belle has a job interview at 4pm today. I’m so excited because it is close by and it’s something outside of Hospitality, which shi wanted. So my fingers are crossed that they’re going to fall in love with hir and offer hir the job.
I am not going to think about yesterday. I am not going to let myself be brought down by what happened yesterday. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have faults. A lot of them. I can admit to them and own up to them when discussed rationally and maturely.
One of my main reasons for coming back to Texas with Belle is because we both need to be around positive people, to be in environments that will encourage and lift us up instead of weigh us down.
I will not allow negativity, after being in Texas for only 3 weeks, to interrupt the good things that have been happening to us.
So, that is all I am going to say about last night. I am not going to censor myself on my blog for fear of being read and judged. This is a public forum after all so there could be people doing that right now. There’s always three sides to a story: Theirs. Mine. And the truth.
Since this is my blog…guess which one you’re going to get? Mine. ^_^
More blogs are coming. I mentioned Scandalous and I were going to be talking about our boundaries and I want to write about that. I’m going to be spending Thursday with Mariposa and I want to discuss our building friendship. Plus there’s more. Always more to write about. Hopefully today my Muse will be happy and I can catch up on some stories! <3 We shall see.
To my beautiful, incredible Pirate whom I would not be complete or the same without. <3
After the night I just had…Shi has been my rock. Thank God for hir. <3
(I am in a very angry mood right now so I am going to try and not say something out of spite.)
I am tired. Very fucking tired.
Belle and I have been back in Texas for exactly 3 weeks today. Three Weeks. In those three weeks, I have visited my family less than five times. I have seen my friends less than five times. I haven’t even seen one of my friend who I am going to be in her wedding in November. The moment I hit Texas soil, I was on a time crunch.
I thought that I could make things work with Princesa. That now that we had a chance to rebuild our friendship and explore whatever it was between us, that we could grow together. The truth is…we can’t.
She got upset with me today because I had made plans on Facebook to go to a Water Park with my friends on July 13th. Her birthday. She texted me stating that she would cancel the plans she had made for us, making me curious as to what she was talking about. She told me she had planned a surprise for us to go out to eat, to spend time together. I…Honestly, I’m exhausted and emotionally drained to go into further detail, the moral of the story is, she stated I was once again some popular person and she was always after me trying to spend some time with me.
Then she wrote a blog about it and…For a moment, I mentally reverted back to when we were younger and I would feel guilty over spending time with my other friends. Or how I felt so shitty because she hasn’t had the opportunities I have.
But I stopped myself.
I will NOT feel guilty for the friendships I have developed and worked damn hard to maintain.
I will NOT feel bad that I am taking charge of my life and making plans to enjoy life.
I will NOT try to appease her outbursts.
I am NOT a bad person.
I am NOT a bad person.
I am NOT a bad person.
She is upset with me because I haven’t gone to see her, because I am making time for my friends and not her, because I am ‘tolerating’ her. And the truth is, I’m not. She lives 45-55 min away. Right now, I am pinching pennies to make sure I have money for gas. If she lived closer, I would have already seen her. But there’s no reasoning with her.
Let me reiterate I hate having fights via text message. Hate it. So while I’m trying to get ready for work and typing a response to her, I keep getting buzzed and buzzed with incoming text messages. How I don’t make time for her. How I don’t chase her. How I don’t do this. How I don’t do that. How my friends talked shit about her behind her back (which they never did but there’s no explaining that either.)
The truth is: I’m done. I’m done picking up the pieces and trying to mend something that has an unmendable crack. I love her. I do. And there will always be a place in my heart for her. But if there is one thing I have learned about my previous relationships, it’s that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing to be with them. That sometimes love really isn’t enough.
There is nothing I can say that will make me better or even remotely normal in her eyes. She’s removed me from Facebook already and unfollowed me on tumblr and that’s fine. I am not going to be ashamed of the friendships and the relationships I have developed. I am not going to feel like I need to chose her above all others, including my partners.
So. This is it. And even though I feel like I’m the bad guy, like I’m the ass, I know I’m not. Because I don’t think I ever had a chance…I feel like she wanted me to be more than I am. I’m just me.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
I have thought about the best way to bring this up, especially because it is something I am still working on. A topic that sometimes I can be strong and other times I feel very sensitive towards. So, let me begin by stating this:
All bodies are beautiful. All of them. It is not up to others to decide that our bodies are beautiful but ourselves. Society makes such a point today in selling everything under the sun that will lift, tuck, hide, fix or anti-age a body and it makes us all self-conscious. And perhaps not all of us question our bodies 24/7, I know I don’t. But there is always that hesitation. That pause because I find myself questioning how others will view me.
This morning I was taking a shower and Belle said shi wanted to take some pictures. And I said okay. It’s not easy for me to say Okay but…I felt adventurous. Sure. Why not.
Shi took over 30 pictures.
While shi was taking pictures, I was telling myself that only shi is going to view them. That it doesn’t matter the flab in my arms, or the double chin or the rolls or anything like that. They are for hir eyes only.
But even as I looked over them, I started picking on my image. A big forehead. Small eyes. Sagging breasts. This. That.
You see, We burn the torch of insecurities brighter because we believe that we are not beautiful. So I stopped. And I looked at myself again. And I noticed that I liked how some of them came out. They might not be what you would consider sexy…but I consider them wonderful.
My body is my body. I can eat as much as I want, drink as much as I want, tattoo every inch of me, pierce every part and still…it is my body.
If I want to lose weight then that is my right.
If I want to gain weight, then that is my choice.
If I want to take nude pictures of myself, and post them on the internet, it does not make me easy, a whore, a slut, and I am not “asking for it”. I am celebrating my body. Celebrating my beauty.
And I am done being ashamed of it.
So, you are warned followers, the following are pictures of my fat, nude body.
That every day, I am learning to love.
*sigh of relief*
Well ladies and gents and followers and stalkers…it has been done. The move has happened. To say that the move has had its share of ups and downs is an understatement..but surprisingly, more ups than downs. I’m trying to think if I want to go through the entire trip or if I just want to jump to TEXAS! Yeah!
After packing and filling the car to the brim with our items, Belle and I decided to spend the weekend in Ellensburg, WA at the Holiday Inn Express before we made the drive. We were exhausted from cleaning and packing and just getting rid of shit. The roomies were pretty much useless. They waited until the absolute last minute to do everything. I ended work a week before we were to leave and they hadn’t looked at storage, camping sites, nothing. Do you know how annoyed I was? Ugh. Anyway. Yeah, roomies did not make it easy. But it was okay. Because we were leaving.
It was a good thing we decided to stop and spend that weekend because the drive to the hotel was about 2 1/2 hours and by the time we got there, we were exhausted. We checked in, showered, ate and then crashed. The next day by 11:30 AM on Saturday…we were bored lol So we ended up packing up on Sunday morning and driving out around 10:45 AM.
We made it to Texas and got a hotel for the night by 11pm Monday night. We were dead to the world. And when I say we, I’m sure it was us both but I know I was gone. I was so tired. It’s a trip I will not be making again. While I do not regret Washington, I know I will not be going back any time soon. Washington is just…so different from Texas.
Texas is HOME.
So! Tuesday morning we wake up and we’re determined! We’re like “We’re going to get an apartment!” There was fear, that we would put in application fees and deposits and then be denied but we didn’t speak about it. We woke up positive and we both had the mind frame that we were going to find a place! By noonish, we had. It was in the apartments my Mom had looked around for me and it was a pretty 2 bedroom/1 bath apartment that has wood in the dining room and kitchen. The kitchen window faces the pool and we’re a walking distance from both the mail center AND the fitness center.
We instantly fell in love with the place.
We did the fee, the deposit and we waited. We had told the apartment place that we wanted to move in ASAP and the place they had shown us was move in ready. We waited…and waited…but we got approved! So we moved in that night. Things have been really looking up for us, especially for Belle.
Shi is enjoying Texas!
Shi’s been enjoying the weather, meeting my friends, and shi has been getting positive vibes from the place. Which makes me feel SO good. Cause honestly, I worried shi was going to move to Texas and within a week, with the heat, shi would be like “We need to relocate” lol Cause honestly, Texas can do that to you. But no, shi has been really awesome. Shi is looking for work, so we are keeping our fingers crossed that shi finds something shi likes. No more hospitality…hopefully!
There are concerns, of course. Like finances but for the most part, things have been going very well. I spoke with my Mom the second or third night I was in town and asked her how she would treat Belle and she said that while she does not approve of our relationship, Belle is a human being and she was going to treat hir with respect. Which means a lot to me. Belle has yet to see my family since the move, but I am letting hir decide when shi wants to do that. I can only imagine how nerve-wracking it must be. So I will let hir decide when shi is ready.
There’s still some friends I have not seen. I was supposed to see my Wicked sister today and possibly the Doctor but she is sick so we rescheduled for next Wednesday.
I have not seen Princesa yet and that’s largely because she lives almost an hour away and her daughter has been sick. Hopefully within this week or next week that while change and I can see her. I’ve missed her, and I want to explore whatever it is that is building between us but I also know that there is a lot we have to talk about. And I’m not even considering anything until we’ve talked and we’ve cleared the air between us.
Scandalous and I have not had a lot of time together, either online or via the phone and it’s starting to put a strain on us, I think. Maybe it’s not but I feel it. I feel bad because I feel like I’m the one lagging, but with the time change and how things have been, it’s been a bit inevitable. Hopefully since today we got cable hooked up, we’ll be able to spend more time together. I’ve missed her. Terribly so.
My writing has suffered a lot. Today I meant to write and I was only able to get one post out to her. Right now I’m currently working on another post but it’s been slow. Like massively slow. I’m worried my writing is going to suffer a lot but I have faith in my muse!
What else? Oh! I got to see and hang out and talk A LOT with Mariposa, which is good. We cleared the air of a lot of things and we set some boundaries and some things we’re going to work on. It feels good. Relearning my friend and getting to know her again. I’ve missed her terribly as my best friend, so I am eager for that.
I think that’s it for now. I’m running low on energy so I think I’m going to call it a night. But there will be more writing! For sure!!
If there is one thing that is needed in any kind of relationship, be it friendship or monogamous or poly or whatever…it is COMMUNICATION. And I understand the need to process things before spoken about, but when I have absolutely no idea what you are thinking or how you are feeling, then I cannot set someone’s mind at ease.
It is something I demand with all of my partners.
ALL. OF. THEM.
Be it my play partners, my primary, my secondaries, my whatevers. I need communication. Because if I find out you are feeling some kind of way from another party, I’m going to get irritated. It’s an instant feeling. How can I set your mind at ease and express to your your importance to me if you do not tell me you are feeling insecure and unsure? That you just need to talk those feelings out.
I’m going to go further in depth about this because this is seriously one of my EXPECTATIONS and DEMANDS if anyone is in any kind of relationship with me, but right now I have to go to church.
Because how can any relationship mature and grow if feelings and insecurities are kept bottled up?
I know I have been massively slacking on my blogs and it’s simply because things have been so crazy. But I promise, they’re in progress.
- The move / living with my Belle in Texas
- Mariposa - Our time together and our rebuilding our friendship
- Expectations of myself / things that need to be worked on.
- Long Distance relationship with my Scandalous
- General Updates
These aren’t necessarily in order. I’m just going to do them as I see fit.
For now…I am going to attempt to post in my stories and continue to watch The Avengers. <3
It is so funny how I think I am ready to handle something and then it slaps me in the face that I am not. Baby steps. I have to remember that it’s all about baby steps. Talking is good, it’s a nice starting point. Checking their tumblr page every other day is NOT good because when they don’t even mention you, it’s like you’re not even part of their world.
And then you get paranoid depressed.
Also how they don’t talk to you only when they have the time? Yeah, also massive paranoid points.
I think it’s my insecurities acting up.
Don’t mind me.
They don’t owe me anything so they don’t have to talk to me. It just sucks when I think about them a lot and I’m only a “oh yeah that person” to them. And I know that’s not the case, but it feels that way.
Have I mentioned I’m uber stressed about the move? No? Oh. Well. I am.
Hence the paranoid, psychotic, nobody-loves-me tantrum I just threw.
Thanks for being a part of it.
I’m drunk. Yaaaaaaaay tequila!
This song makes me tear up.
So you guys can cry with me.